Can Someone Proofread My Story Please!!!?
Posted in Luxury Handbags on 06/30/2009 12:24 pm by a-lianCan some one please proofread my story. I would be greatful. Thanks Can Someone Proofread My Story Please!!!?
The Magical Lamp
It was daybreak when a young, poor farmer, Digio Arbalistarius, stepped outside and made his way to his field. Every day for Digio was the same; he would get up, eat breakfast, and begin working on his farm till dusk. It was strenuous work, farming was, but Digio didn’t complain. He was happy; life on the farm was simple and good. Digio arrived at his field and took out a bag of seeds. He carefully began to embed them into the ground. Kneeling down, something had caught his eye. Sticking up from the ground, several feet in front of him, was a shiny golden handle.
“What in the world could it be?” exclaimed Digio, as he excitedly made his way towards the strange object. He bent down and pulled the handle. Out came a small golden lamp, so shiny it had looked as though it never been in the ground to begin with.
“Excellent, it must be my lucky day,” Digio chortled joyfully, “I can make 15 darics off of this trinket.” Digio, curious to see if any other treasures lay inside, decided to open the lamp. BANG, BANG, BANG three thunderous sounds came from the lamp, piercing the serene landscape and utterly scaring Digio. From the lamp came a vast, menacing, purple genie. Petrified, Digio dropped the lamp and ran towards the direction of his home.
“Do not be scared, mortal, for it is you who released me from my magical prison. For a thousand years I have been imprisoned. Imprisoned by the magic of King Darius for crimes I did not commit. But imprisoned I am no more, for your honorable deed has freed me. You shall be rewarded,” roared the genie. Upon hearing of the reward Digio stopped dead in his tracks. “Should I go back?” wondered Digio, “Is this a trap, or will I truly be rewarded?” Digio stood, petrified as a rock, several minutes wondering if he should trust the genie. At last Digio came to the conclusion that the genie was telling the truth and cautiously made his way back to the lamp.
“Oh great genie, I’m glad to see that I have done you a favor,” appeased Digio, still quite shaken.
“A great favor you have done. You have freed me, the great genie Saleed. For your great deed you shall be rewarded.”
“What might the reward be,” expressed Digio in utter disbelief of his fortune.
“You shall be awarded one wish,” the genie bantered. “Think well, before you make your wish, for you only have one wish, and one wish only.
“What shall I wish for,” thought Digio. “Shall I wish for a spouse to reprieve me of my loneliness? Or perhaps of a new spade, my old one is worn down.”
At last the genies patience began to wear down. “Perhaps you should wish for a great treasure. One that will make you wealthy beyond belief,” exclaimed a greatly agitated genie.
“That is a great idea,” responded Digio. “Genie, I wish for a treasure, one that will make me wealthy beyond belief.
“So it is,” declared the genie. With a snap of his fingers, a map appeared in the genies hand. “This map will lead you to what you seek. But beware; the journey will be a callous one. You will have to prove your desire. Farewell farmer, good luck on your quest.” With those words of farewell and another snap, the genie disappeared leaving behind only the golden lamp and the map in Digio’s hands.
“This is meant to be,” thought Digio, unrolling and gazing at the map. It was a simple map. From it he had learned that his first step to walk north, several kilometers towards the town of Isfahan. Just before he was to reach the gates of the town, he was supposed to spot a cavern, at the very end of the cavern lay his treasure.
“I wonder what the treasure is?” wondered Digio as he excitedly set outwards on his quest. As Digio made his way towards the cavern he thought of his spoils and what he was going to make of them. “When I succeed and become rich, no longer shall I work,” thought Digio. “I shall build myself a castle and live out my life in luxury.”
Digio continued to ponder about his treasures, as he walked and walked. At last, after what felt like ages he could see the gates of Isfahan in the distance. Digio looked around, quickly. Off in the distance, one hundred yards away he caught glimpse of a cavern. Barely able to hold his excitement, Digio ran towards it ready for the riches that lay inside.
It was an expansive cavern. Bigger than anything Digio had ever seen before.
“Better get started,” exclaimed Digio as he made his way into the dark depths of the cavern. Walking a short distance Digio caught a glimpse of a dim light. He walked towards it, not knowing what to expect. As he drew nearer and nearer he could see that it was the beginning of a corridor, dimly light by a series of torches on the walls. He also spotted a table; upon it laid a note and a short sword. Hurrying along to the table, Digio read the note:
Beware; your greatest fear lay ahead
Use the sword or you will be
06/30/2009 at 12:24 pm
So far it is a pretty good story, just a few grammer or word errors…I put what you used first, then after the = what changes you can try…
It was strenuous work, farming was, but Digio didn’t complain. = Farming was strenuous work, but Digio didn’t complain. (skip the ‘it’ and get to what ‘it’ was)
began to embed = began to plant (wrong use of embed)
never been in the ground to begin with= never been in the ground. (or) never been in the ground at all.
stood, petrified as a rock, several minutes= rock, FOR several minutes (though sentence is awkward, but not wrong, would be easier to take out the ‘as a rock’ for better flow)
and utterly scaring Digio. = awkward use of ‘utterly’…maybe thoroughly or completely would be better…
the genie bantered=wrong context of bantered, that implies a conversation between more than one person going back and forth. You mean something more like declared or announced…
will be a callous one = callous in wrong word, it means insensitive; indifferent; unsympathetic, or hard but in the sense of not soft, like hard skin….difficult or treacherous would be better
Farewell farmer, good luck on your quest.” With those words of farewell = use a different word for one of the farewell’s (goodbye for first, or departure for second…etc)
This is meant to be,” thought Digio= meant to be what?
From it he had learned that his first step to walk north, several kilometers towards the town of Isfahan.= confusing…make it simple (To begin the journey he had to walk several kilometers north to the town of Isfahan)
Just before he was to reach the gates of the town, he was supposed to spot a cavern, at the very end of the cavern lay his treasure. = Just before the gates of the town, there is a cavern, in which lay his treasure.
what felt like ages he could see the gates of =what felt like ages, he could see the gates of (needs a comma)
Digio looked around, quickly= Digio quickly looked around.
fear lay ahead- fear lies ahead.
06/30/2009 at 12:24 pm
No thank you it’s to long. I bet it took forever to type though.
06/30/2009 at 12:24 pm
email it to girlcat09@live.com and I’ll help you.